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Attack of the Bad Movie Stack

Dracula 2000: Modern missed stakes

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For previous readers of this column, you may have noticed a curious similarity between this movie and one I have previously covered: Dracula 3000. While they are similar in concept, having Dracula appear in the era and year in the film’s title, but that is the furthest down the road of similarity they both will go. Dracula 2000 is set in the titular year, and was an attempt to bring Dracula into the modern era. My word choice of ‘attempt’ is very specific, for outside glances toward the film may give you the impression that it is a quality production. I will concede to the points of good set design, good supporting actors, and decent pacing of scenes. However, there is a reason the film is on the autopsy table today and I aim to dig in and find out the failing parts that ultimately relegated the film to being…

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Evolver: You will believe a man can fry

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If you ever wanted to watch a film that embodies the essence of the late 80’s and early 90’s do I have a bad movie for you. It was a simpler time when virtual reality didn’t cost a new computer and $700, and people got away with wearing clothes from the abstract art collection. The movie of focus for this session of “Attack of the Bad Movie Stack” is “Evolver” a movie about love, high stakes laser tag, and brutal robot murder. “Evolver” starts with our protagonist, Kyle Baxter, playing the virtual arcade game “Evolver” and has drawn a crowd that surrounds him, not unlike people who excel at DDR back when arcades were still popular. Kyle has made it to the final stage and his friend is taking bets on whether he’ll survive. The lone vote against him is the school bully Dwight, who wins the pot with Kyle losing to…

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House of the Dead: Home to careers and more

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If you’re like me and spend more time indoors than taking in the (lack of) sun, you’ve likely been bored since the ball dropped to ring in the New Year. The Hollywood dump months have been held true to their fecal related name and have only released a handful of quality films to watch. John Wick’s return was stellar, while the new Rings movie made people recoil in horror for paying to see a bad movie. The way I see it, if I’m going to see a bad movie, it might as well cost only a dollar at the local pawn shop. Enter “The House of the Dead” and recoil in horror, for the movie may be low on price but not in schlock. John Wick’s return was stellar, while the new “Ring” movie made people recoil in horror for paying to see a bad movie. The way I see…

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The Asian Connection: Bank robbery vs mob slobbery

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For anyone who reads my bad movie review series, it is probably easy to figure out that most of the movies I have collected for my bad movie stack are fairly older films; some older than myself. It’s not a matter of preference, as I’ll take any bad movie I can get my hands on. The most common are horror and sci-fi movies with a four digit budget, but I have irregularly found more recent movies in my dives of pawn shop movie racks.  A decent amount of them are the kind you hate yourself for watching, like Tooth Fairy 2. Last week, I found The Asian Connection, and thankfully I don’t feel terrible for watching it. The Asian Connection (2016) stars a name you can’t help but love for mediocrity. Steven Seagal stars as Gan Sirankiri, a drug lord who is learning that a lieutenants of his is untrustworthy.…

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Dracula 3000: Space vampires born from chronic desires

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Every weekend, I host a bad movie night online with friends across the planet. The conception of this weekly delving into film torture came from a desire to balance the professional and acclaimed movies we had been watching up to that point. Additionally, I grew up watching MST3K, so this was a hobby for me already.  We have seen many, many terrible movies over the 20 or so weekends I have been doing this—3 films a night. This past weekend brought us a boring WWE revenge movie, a Syfy Channel monster movie about giant snakes, and the jewel of the night: Dracula 3000. Dracula 3000 is the story about the crew of the salvage vessel Mother III checking out a tip on a derelict vessel. The captain of the ship is Abraham Van Helsing, who commands a crew of five other personnel. If you’re a fan of backstories less than…

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