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Attack of the Bad Movie Stack

Satan’s Little Helper: The method actor of madness

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I find it a relieving feeling that I can continue to be surprised by my movie stack. I often buy by the title or covers alone, but I don’t remember where I managed to find this movie. Whether you believe me in saying that or not – and considering the season, I understand why – this film blindsided me with how much I enjoyed it in actuality and not in mockery or at its expense. Satan’s Little Helper is a genuinely enjoyable film and one I find hard discussing in detail like I normally do. The reason I find it hard to discuss this movie, other than it’s religiously polarizing title, is my usual style involves dissecting a movie down to core elements and going into detail why they work and don’t work. A boon for when the subject of discussion is a horrible film that has more cracks in…

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Half Past Dead: Rocking out at The Rock

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Watching bad movies is a fun hobby but difficult to describe to others outright. I’ve never had success with mentioning that I liked bad movies in conversation unless whoever I was speaking to knew about MST3K; usually getting a curious look or an eye roll as a response. Thankfully, after graduating high school and learning that not everyone had the personality of a self-obsessed brick wall, I started to learn how to properly discuss my odd hobby. Nuance was the key, and coincidentally is something Half Past Dead doesn’t understand. Half Past Dead stars Steven Seagal in the role of a reputable car booster who gets caught up in a bad bust with his friend and is sent to Alcatraz 2.0. That’s right, The Rock has opened its doors again and is offering many means for incarceration, and for finality. Alcatraz houses some of the most dangerous criminals in this…

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Dracula 2000: Modern missed stakes

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For previous readers of this column, you may have noticed a curious similarity between this movie and one I have previously covered: Dracula 3000. While they are similar in concept, having Dracula appear in the era and year in the film’s title, but that is the furthest down the road of similarity they both will go. Dracula 2000 is set in the titular year, and was an attempt to bring Dracula into the modern era. My word choice of ‘attempt’ is very specific, for outside glances toward the film may give you the impression that it is a quality production. I will concede to the points of good set design, good supporting actors, and decent pacing of scenes. However, there is a reason the film is on the autopsy table today and I aim to dig in and find out the failing parts that ultimately relegated the film to being…

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Robot Wars: Cheesy stop-motion goodness

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It bothers me greatly that giant robot movies never gained much of anything in turns of prolificacy in the west. In the land of the rising sun, giant robots are often a subcategory of various forms of media, like video games focusing on mecha, or mecha anime. All we have in the west are a variety of occasionally good mech games, and a handful of movies focused on the city dwarfing machines. “Robot Wars” is one of these movies. “Robot Wars” is a story about a much-divided planet earth. Large swaths of land are inhospitable and gas scares in years prior have condensed people into three areas of power: The North Hemi, consisting of former North American territories; the Eastern Alliance, a similar confederation of oriental countries; and the “Centros,”  a loose faction of bandits who live in the wastes and survive by pillaging. The North Hemi is in an…

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Evolver: You will believe a man can fry

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If you ever wanted to watch a film that embodies the essence of the late 80’s and early 90’s do I have a bad movie for you. It was a simpler time when virtual reality didn’t cost a new computer and $700, and people got away with wearing clothes from the abstract art collection. The movie of focus for this session of “Attack of the Bad Movie Stack” is “Evolver” a movie about love, high stakes laser tag, and brutal robot murder. “Evolver” starts with our protagonist, Kyle Baxter, playing the virtual arcade game “Evolver” and has drawn a crowd that surrounds him, not unlike people who excel at DDR back when arcades were still popular. Kyle has made it to the final stage and his friend is taking bets on whether he’ll survive. The lone vote against him is the school bully Dwight, who wins the pot with Kyle losing to…

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House of the Dead: Home to careers and more

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If you’re like me and spend more time indoors than taking in the (lack of) sun, you’ve likely been bored since the ball dropped to ring in the New Year. The Hollywood dump months have been held true to their fecal related name and have only released a handful of quality films to watch. John Wick’s return was stellar, while the new Rings movie made people recoil in horror for paying to see a bad movie. The way I see it, if I’m going to see a bad movie, it might as well cost only a dollar at the local pawn shop. Enter “The House of the Dead” and recoil in horror, for the movie may be low on price but not in schlock. John Wick’s return was stellar, while the new “Ring” movie made people recoil in horror for paying to see a bad movie. The way I see…

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The Asian Connection: Bank robbery vs mob slobbery

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For anyone who reads my bad movie review series, it is probably easy to figure out that most of the movies I have collected for my bad movie stack are fairly older films; some older than myself. It’s not a matter of preference, as I’ll take any bad movie I can get my hands on. The most common are horror and sci-fi movies with a four digit budget, but I have irregularly found more recent movies in my dives of pawn shop movie racks.  A decent amount of them are the kind you hate yourself for watching, like Tooth Fairy 2. Last week, I found The Asian Connection, and thankfully I don’t feel terrible for watching it. The Asian Connection (2016) stars a name you can’t help but love for mediocrity. Steven Seagal stars as Gan Sirankiri, a drug lord who is learning that a lieutenants of his is untrustworthy.…

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Dracula 3000: Space vampires born from chronic desires

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Every weekend, I host a bad movie night online with friends across the planet. The conception of this weekly delving into film torture came from a desire to balance the professional and acclaimed movies we had been watching up to that point. Additionally, I grew up watching MST3K, so this was a hobby for me already.  We have seen many, many terrible movies over the 20 or so weekends I have been doing this—3 films a night. This past weekend brought us a boring WWE revenge movie, a Syfy Channel monster movie about giant snakes, and the jewel of the night: Dracula 3000. Dracula 3000 is the story about the crew of the salvage vessel Mother III checking out a tip on a derelict vessel. The captain of the ship is Abraham Van Helsing, who commands a crew of five other personnel. If you’re a fan of backstories less than…

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